Come Alive

Shannon, my love, gave me an audio book chapter to listen to from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat, Pray, Love. It is chapter 17 on her depression. I listened to chapters 17 through 20 on my walk with my dogs this morning along the South Flagler Intracoastal waterway here in West Palm Beach. She made some observations that I connected with and others there are not of my experience. I enjoyed her words none the less.

A few minutes later I set out on my run, a practice I’ve mostly given up from the physical pain it causes my two ruptured or herniated discs in my neck. Despite this pain my running has been calling me back lately. It is an undeniable part of me.

I just returned from that run on this hot summer day in South Florida. It is July 27, 2008. I listened to the Foo Fighters song Come Alive, off their latest album Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace. I played that song for the 45 minutes of my run. It is a song about finding yourself through the help of love, in the form of an outside agent – a person, a lover, an angel.

I have remembered that I love running not because of the runner’s high, but because it is the only place outside of music where I find great insight. This run was more insightful than most.

I realized that I have a life long addiction to materialism. By materialism I mean an outright reliance and addiciton to the outside world. This manifests most strongly in a desire for things and food which leads to trouble with money, weight, and spiritual health. These are the major symptoms of my addiction to materialism.

I realized I must let go of that addiction if I am to become whole.

I realized that I already have everything I need to become whole.

This includes a memory of love and compassion for myself, my love for Shannon, my children, my family, and my friends.

This includes belief.

I realized for me now, in this time, in this place, that what I am searching for cannot be sought. It will only present itself through great listening in mind, body, and spirit. I have reached the place where listening must eschew searching. This is my mantra now. ‘It’ is already here. ‘It’ will be realized, not discovered. ‘It’ will come, or ‘It’ won’t. I accept this.

I realized that my whole life I have slayed my addiction and my depression with a sword. I have killed it over and over. I have fought bravely. I have fought with honor. But I cannot win this way. I have known this for a number of years. I put down my sword.  It has left me defenseless. I have been killed over and over by my demons in this time. They have rejoiced in dancing on my spilled innards as I have lay bleeding and dying. They have cackled in delight at my death for taking so many of them with my sword.

I fight a compulsion to pick up my sword and kill them all. To vanquish them. But I know now that once the last of the demons falls to the floor, new ones will enter the room from doorways in the shadows that I have envisioned. I cannot rid these demons with my sword. I must heal myself. I must listen to what these demons are trying to teach me. I must stop fighting ‘it’.

Today, I relinquish my materialism.