Key West – Chock ‘O Block with Cocks

Four days in Key West

Shannon and I went to The Florida Keys this weekend for a short vacation with our friends Chris and Meghan. We spent all our time in Key West – the southernmost point of our United States. 

I’ll get straight to the point.

Key West is full of Cocks. 

Even before arriving in Key West our vacation featured a lot of cock. Specifically, during our drive down to Key West. This came in the form of a slang derivative that our friend Chris attached to quite a number of our better South Florida drivers – “Cocknozzle!” 

Later in our stay during a lunch of sophistication at 9-1-5 Meghan regaled us with a college story about a college class where fellow students replaced all the instances of ‘dic’ in words with ‘cock’, thus producing beauties like Recockulous! 

After arriving in Key West the cock quota shot up even more. Pictured below is one of the more common versions of Cock you can expect to find in Key West. 

These splendid examples of Roosters are all over the place. They do not want for food as their brightly colored plumage plainly shows. You can find the Cocks (and Hens) wandering down alleys, meandering through off-street malls, and loitering around the many restaurants that dot the streets between the tourist shops selling T-Shirts with quaint slogans on them like “I’m not a Gynecologist, but I’ll take a look.”  They are often the prime subjects of camera touting tourists. I pray tell that members of our party were even caught making a few memories with the more beautiful cocks in Key West. 

We heard the Roosters hailing the new day Friday morning at their self appointed hour. They were off their game the other days we were there or we simply didn’t hear them. Perhaps their crows, cocks and doodles were drowned out from the various libations we enjoyed the evening prior.

The other cocks running all over town were man cocks. 

Key West sits at the Southernmost tip of The Florida Keys, much like it’s beachy brother to the north, Provincetown, that holds a similar position at the head of Cape Cod. Both towns share a well deserved reputation for good food and drink and as havens for Gay men and women. A fair number of the bars (and there are a lot of bars) on the infamous Duval Street are gay bars. One in particular is a  colorful and popular Tranny hangout. They have the nicest door men/women. Broad shoulders, nice Adam’s Apples and big bosoms. 

After many beers and a great live performance on this stage at The Hog’s Breath Salon we were walking back to our condo along Duval when we glanced casually into one of the more raucous bars and noticed several men dancing on the bar. The first thing that registered was that they had rather skimpy G-Strings on. The second thing I noticed required a second look and a quick conference with my compadres. “Did that dude dancing on the bar just whip it out?” Yes, he was dancing with it out and for that matter didn’t seem to have much intention of putting it away. 

Other than the dancing we also enjoyed a lot of good food and drink while we were in Key West which I’ll get to in a moment. We walked to the Southernmost point in the rain on Saturday and waived to our friends in Cuba a mere 90 miles away. The uncooperative weather kept us away from our planned snorkeling adventure but not much else. In fact, the overcast and rain kept the temperature low and as Floridians we appreciated that. 

If you’re looking for a conveniently located condo to share with a couple or a family of four the unit we rented above Duval Square was quite nice and affordable (off season). The pictures on their web site don’t do it justice. It was a two Bedroom, had a nice private deck with spa and was pleasantly furnished and decorated. It had a big master bedroom and small but comfy second bedroom. The kitchen and living room were open and bright. We recommend Blokus as a board game for a rainy Key West day and Pain Killers for improved spatial ability while playing. The condo was just two blocks from the beginning of Duval’s popular bars and about 10 blocks from the main bar area. An easy stagger home after a full day of cock.

Restaurant’s that we’d handily recommend include Maison de Pepe, a Cuban restaurant that has all the markings of a tourist trap but still managed to be very good (good one Meghan!). It’s located in the heart of Touristville at Mallory Square. Caroline’s on Duval was also quite good – we chalked up our sour disposition afterwards to eating too late and too much, not the quality of Caroline’s food. The Jambalaya was the best. Nine One Five on Duval had a new twist on Wine and Cheese for lunch that we all found outstanding. Your choice of three lunch items for $12. We each ordered different selections and everyone tried the different samples of food and found nary- a-one wanting for anything. If you like Sushi the place hiding in the mall at our condo is a keeper. Origami is located at 1075 Duval Street (in Duval Square). Really, it’s known as the best Sushi in Key West and you’d never know it was there from walking down Duval Street. Stop in and ask for the off-menu Crazy Spicy Salmon Roll – it was met with awe at our table. 

Speaking of dicks, Ernest Hemingway had a reputation for being a bit of one at times and also made his home at two different times in Key West. Hemingway wrote some of his books on Key West, including the final draft of one of his most famous – A Farewell to Arms.

The last word on Cocks.

Hemingway was also known for writing lively, finely crafted short sentences – a habit he nurtured at his first writing job at The Kansas City Star. I’ve concluded from our time in Key West that the best vacations are like the best sentences – short and sweet. Cocks are not.