Running without expectation

I trained for my first marathon in 2006 and completed that run in February 2007.

Running a marathon could not be more loaded with expectation – especially your first one. Will you be able to finish, if so, how hard will it be, and certainly for those optimistic souls like me, how fast will you be?

After my Marathon I began slowly backing off my running distance a bit at a time. I was tired of running so far and it taking so much time. Then, my neck started to hurt quite badly and after some months of this I was diagnosed with herniated discs in my neck. My Doc sent me to a specialist and he told me to stop running or doing anything that jarred my neck. I got pretty depressed about that. It felt like I was falling apart. That’s just self-pity and ultimately meaningless. What was meaningful to me was that I wouldn’t be able to keep up the running that I had grown to love. This physical and mental battle has continued off and on.

Since I’ve begun running a bit more again, distance has eluded me. Most of my runs are in the 4.5 mile range. A long run is a whopping half mile longer at 5 miles. Not exactly up to the form I had developed. All the training runs of 8, 12, and 15 miles that I did in preparation for my Marathon made me feel I was squandering my hard work.

Far before I even completed my Marathon I’ve contemplated strapping on my shoes and just running. What I mean is *just running* in one direction, without worrying about being able to run home. To me, this has occupied a special place in my mind. A run without limits. Not even 26.2 miles.

Running encourages free thinking and thoughts of abandon and freedom. Or at least, the endorphins and heightened serotonin levels do! I asked Shannon if she’d be OK picking me up when I had worn myself out. Of course, she readily agreed.

This past Sunday, with fresh shoes strapped on my feet and emboldened by my recent good runs and cool weather, I finally acted out that impulse. I don’t know why it took so long.

It was a really fantastic experience.

Like meditation, it was very interesting to watch my mind and ego interject goals and expectations as I ran along. I kept thinking to myself: “I have to run for at least one hour (about 20 minutes longer than I have been running). As soon as I dashed one expectation, another would replace it a few minutes later.

As I ran I would begin to stress myself out with thoughts of high mileage and long times. I had thoughts that I could run for 30 miles, or maybe even more. Be quiet fool, I told myself – just run.

Where am I going with all this?

I was interested in the impact of this attitude and mental state on my performance. Which is funny, considering that the point was to not care. Or was it? In the end I ran for 1 hour and 17 minutes. I don’t know how far I ran but it was a good long run, even compared to my training runs of the past. Compared to a normal 39 minute run it was a great effort. What fascinates me is that typical goal oriented thinking and process would suggest that this wouldn’t work. I feel that I have experienced two parallel worlds where in the first, setting goals helps you reach them, and the other, you eliminate all goals and expectations as a way to smash through the limitations that those very goals place on you.

I’ll acknowledge that I never got close to the right state of mind for the entire run. But there were a lot of times where I did find my center. Like meditation I focused on breathing. Like good running I focused on my form and not my speed. The net effect was that my run was much more carefree and enjoyable. It made it easier to run further because there was no expectation of doing well or doing badly.

I was running just to run.

I would accept any result as long as I was following my principle. Running is supposed to be fun, hard, and enlightening. This run was all these things. I also had occasion to reflect on other endeavors where this kind of mental state would benefit my performance. I considered both business and relationships but it was easiest to compare this experience with Golf.

I’ve always wanted a good Golf game very badly. I’ve also worked harder at golf than most physical pursuits, including many many hours of practice, study, play and other means of self torture. I’ve given a lot to the game of Golf and it’s rewarded me in every way, except one.

Good scores and a reliable swing.

When did I shoot my lowest scores? On the days where I was simply happy to be alive, to smell the fresh grass and the sun on my face. To thrill in the connection with the little white ball and the universe. On those rare days nothing could stop me from smiling, and from performing. On those days I hit a lot more great shots than normal. Yesterday was like that for my run. It might have been a fluke. I plan on finding out next Sunday.

As this post has unfolded I have been trying to reconcile one final point. I have the hardest time capturing the difference between not caring, and having no expectation. I feel my younger self could not have made that distinction. For the protection of my own fragile fragile ego I have been known to fall into the all too popular habit of not committing. Most of us learned this move as kids on the school yard. You know, if you never try you won’t feel bad when you can’t do it. Talk about self defeating. Failing to commit gets you no where in a hurry. Plus, if have any self respect it leads to a lot of negative self talk and criticism.  Letting go of the expectations and still caring – I think that’s the best way I can say it for now.

It’s not trivial

One last thing that struck me as very special about this experience that I want to document. Which was the most pleasurable expectation and experience of being picked up by Shannon and the kids. I guess that was one expectation that I didn’t want to kick. It may seem like a trivial thing but it didn’t feel that way. I felt so special that someone would do that for me. I know this seems strange considering that my family is exactly who would do this for me. I can’t quite tell you WHY it made me feel so special but it was a feeling of great gratitude and appreciation I felt. Giving your wife, family member or good friend a ride is trivial – but that love that comes along with it, isn’t. I guess that’s what I was tapping into.

p.s. It’s only now occured to me after publishing this that I’ve pulled a right Forest Gump.