Entries Tagged 'Writing' ↓

Shannon, my love, gave me an audio book chapter to listen to from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat, Pray, Love. It is chapter 17 on her depression. I listened to chapters 17 through 20 on my walk with my dogs this morning along the South Flagler Intracoastal waterway here in West Palm Beach. She made some observations that I connected with and others there are not of my experience. I enjoyed her words none the less.

A few minutes later I set out on my run, a practice I’ve mostly given up from the physical pain it causes my two ruptured or herniated discs in my neck. Despite this pain my running has been calling me back lately. It is an undeniable part of me.

I just returned from that run on this hot summer day in South Florida. It is July 27, 2008. I listened to the Foo Fighters song Come Alive, off their latest album Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace. I played that song for the 45 minutes of my run. It is a song about finding yourself through the help of love, in the form of an outside agent – a person, a lover, an angel.

I have remembered that I love running not because of the runner’s high, but because it is the only place outside of music where I find great insight. This run was more insightful than most.

I realized that I have a life long addiction to materialism. By materialism I mean an outright reliance and addiciton to the outside world. This manifests most strongly in a desire for things and food which leads to trouble with money, weight, and spiritual health. These are the major symptoms of my addiction to materialism.

I realized I must let go of that addiction if I am to become whole.

I realized that I already have everything I need to become whole.

This includes a memory of love and compassion for myself, my love for Shannon, my children, my family, and my friends.

This includes belief.

I realized for me now, in this time, in this place, that what I am searching for cannot be sought. It will only present itself through great listening in mind, body, and spirit. I have reached the place where listening must eschew searching. This is my mantra now. ‘It’ is already here. ‘It’ will be realized, not discovered. ‘It’ will come, or ‘It’ won’t. I accept this.

I realized that my whole life I have slayed my addiction and my depression with a sword. I have killed it over and over. I have fought bravely. I have fought with honor. But I cannot win this way. I have known this for a number of years. I put down my sword.  It has left me defenseless. I have been killed over and over by my demons in this time. They have rejoiced in dancing on my spilled innards as I have lay bleeding and dying. They have cackled in delight at my death for taking so many of them with my sword.

I fight a compulsion to pick up my sword and kill them all. To vanquish them. But I know now that once the last of the demons falls to the floor, new ones will enter the room from doorways in the shadows that I have envisioned. I cannot rid these demons with my sword. I must heal myself. I must listen to what these demons are trying to teach me. I must stop fighting ‘it’.

Today, I relinquish my materialism.

voting-for-obama-in-florida-primary-jan-29-2008-zip-33401

Originally uploaded by Jinfinite8

I returned a little while ago from voting in the 2008 Florida Primary. This picture I snapped with my camera phone shows our touch screen voting system AND who I voted for. Obama.

Smoking is one of those sins that can be just scrumptious. Like a good brownie or an expensive bottle of champagne.

I stopped smoking cigars a couple of years ago. I had a couple here and there over the first six months but for the most part I stopped. I rarely think of them. But once in a while I just want to have a smoke. My original plan was to keep smoking – just to have a cigar every week or two. I stayed away from that plan because I wanted to really kick the habit. The pneumonia was a damn good reason to as well.

What I’m most mindful of is that cigars served many purposes for me – good and bad.

They provided me with a break from my hectic job. They got me away from the phone and computer. I stared out at the sky and relaxed. I went back to working and got more done. I often talked with other smokers and I enjoyed the socialization.

Feeding the shadow a little
They keep lions and other big predators well fed in a zoo. We all have a big predator inside that Jung called the Shadow.

I believe you have to feed your shadow and that it is better to acknowledge it (feed it even) then deny it completely. I’ve done complete denial and it only makes your world (and the one that your loved ones orbit) go spinning out of control.  Not good.

With my weight loss over the last couple of years I have found more success in having a nice sweet every so often, or in moderation to be much better than trying for the complete shut out. Denial gets you, the shadow is in there.

The question always comes back to one of balance. A smoke every so often, for the right reasons can be a good thing for me. And if done unconciously, for the wrong reasons, it could be very bad.

I had a smoke a couple of weeks ago. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I could really taste the tobacco and it was good. Before I lit up I made sure I was not under any duress or stress. Just a couple of weeks earlier I had purchased that small box of cigars but I refused to smoke one after buying them. I was under the very duress that would feed an unhealthy addiction. I was clear at the time that if I had a smoke then, it would have been from an unhealthy place. I didn’t give in and that gave me more strength.  Giving in would have been giving in, and that only serves to make me feel a sense of failure, rather than serving a purpose of merit to me. I think it’s easy to confuse what I was saying earlier about giving in to your shadow and giving in. Giving in to my shadow in a good way is about doing it conciously.

I had a smoke today a couple of weeks after that first one. I didn’t feel compelled to. It was fine but not nearly as nice as the first one. I feel like I need to space them out more and this one wasn’t ceremonial enough. I was just outside with the dogs. It needs to be something more like a special occasion. I also felt as I did during the last smoke that I’m not the same man anymore. It doesn’t hold me like it used to and I like that. I’ll leave the next cigar until it feels right and no matter what, I won’t have more than a couple a month (if that). I want to savor the experience of life and occasionally match that to a nice smoke, when I feel life coursing through me in a positive way as I do right now. For me that can be reinforced with a cigar, a run, a motorcycle ride, or a cocktail, or a good laugh with Shannon. I like really loud music as well.

Freud said that being entirely honest with oneself if a good exercise. I try to do that as much as I can stand. Sometimes I can’t stand it at all.  When I’m denying my own shadow I’m in trouble. Freud was also credited with saying ‘sometimes a cigar is just a cigar’ even though most sources say that he didn’t actually say that.

Today was like that and that’s how I want to smoke. Sometimes, every so often, I just want a cigar to be a cigar.

Now where are those Oreo’s dammit!

Did you ever see the movie The Natural starring Robert Redford? It’s an account of a baseball player’s life and his attempts to get it right, on and off the field. He’s derailed along the way, by his own hand of course but symbolized in the movie as an evil woman that almost kills him. Life is like that, it almost kills us sometimes but if we can survive it truly doesgive us greater character.
My father shares my love of the movie and the story line. He sent me a brilliant article from the Washington Post writer Charles Krauthammer who wrote a poignant piece on real life St. Louis Cardinal Rick Ankiel.

Ankiel has claimed his own place in the annals of history of redemption and resurrection. I find great happiness not only in his story but in the reaction of the fans to him and what he has done. It brings chills to my body and tears to my eyes.

Read the full Charles Krauthammer story titled Return of the Natural here.

Well done Mate!

I was having a nice chat with my good friend Ami just yesterday. We covered a lot of topics as we typically do from social mores, business, social networking, media, philosophy, blogs, web development, family, psychology, and I think a couple of others.

I was explaining that I get overwhelmed by blogging because I have so many blogs. Hard to keep up with them all and I don’t! He told me he had an answer to that and directed me to this new site http://amitaigivertz.blogspot.com. It’s an Ami Portal page of sorts – an aggregation of everthing Ami online. Like me, Ami has a lot of online presence to manage and he found that using blogger (Google’s off the shelf and ever so popular and easy to use blog tool) along with a leveraged use of RSS feeds has delivered him unto us. Perfect.

I’ve had this exact idea in my head for at least a year now. I already own my own name as a url and I would aggregate content on my name for all my different properties. Of course I would have to launch another blog and then find a good wordpress tool to accept all the feeds. I know they’re out there I just don’t use them and so don’ t know their names. The idea is that if I was to aggregate my blogs you would see that I actually DO update my personal blog pretty frequently. My other blogs run in spurts. BUT, if I (and you) knew without having to check that there was activity on my other blogs I would find it easier to stick with my other blogs (because I do REALLY like posting to them all). I could have one blog about everything and this is a perfectly good solution but it doesn’t work for people who find blogs because of a specific interest. I would have the satisfaction of seeing the efforts of my work in one place.

Rather than wank on with all the technical stuff as I am want to do Ami just used blogger and he’s done. Rather nice that. I imagine it didn’t take him long to do it either. He accomplished everything I want to do and he’s already done. I think that’s just fantastic. That’s the power of using off-the-shelf web apps and not worrying yourself over silly things like custom urls which don’t really matter in the end anyway. People just need one address – one place, a jumping off point to launch you into everything you are doing online.

Ami, you asked me to drop by your site and I have and I will. I love that I can find out what you’re doing by going to your site EVEN though I already track your every move on Google Reader. I like visiting sites. I will enjoy visiting yours. You have inspired me to get my online life aggregation finished – one way or the other.

And about that web 3.0 definition you wrote about (aka the semantic web.

I like to summarize web 3.0 or the semantic web as the personification of the web. I’m sure I nicked that off someone but if so I couldn’t tell you when or who. I believe that all the amazing underlying technology that is being developed to drive the next generation of the web will and should have only one purpose – to make the web more human – to make the web even more intuitive – to amplify and more accurately represent US – the people.

There you have it, my wank is done for the day.

[tags]lifestreaming[/tags]

I have gotten far away enough from the business man I once was to see things with the clarity that one can only find from a distance. And it is not a view that I could accurately hold if I had not been up close and personal.

When I sit listening to my wife speak with staff, clients, bosses and vendors I recognize my own life in business all too well. How it spills over in all areas of our life. How it comes to define us because it is what we do.  She is talking people off the ledge. She is negotiating the peaceful surrender. In this case the hostages are dollars and we win some and we lose some. There are collateral losses. There is collateral damage. There are the occasional celebrations of victory. These moments are a recognition of a sliver of time where we are momentarily ahead of the game.

In the end I can’t find any meaning to it beyond basic survival. Any meaning at all.  It is not a hostage that we have saved or someone we have kept from leaping from a bridge. It is a dollar earned and a dollar lost.

But I wonder.

If we were to to apply our great powers as a people to saving ourselves with the same fervor that we chase the all mighty dollar — what then?  Would it even be any better or would we just fill our life with the same puts and calls with a different currency?

About a year ago I got the itch for skateboarding again. It’s been a long time since I’ve shot a hill on a board – like 25 years. I learned to skateboard in 1976 with my brother almost immediately upon arriving in Western Australia from New Jersey.

Then as now, skateboarding was a literal and figurative form of freedom

My brother and I didn’t have new friends right away when we moved to Oz but we did have each other and we had our skateboards and through those boards we met a lot of people and had a lot of great experiences.

We never got into the tricks that you see on T.V. at the X-Games today but we did ride hills which takes some courage. We amassed many exhilarating moments, near-misses, and spectacular wipe outs, earning us battle scars and leading to heaps of fun. We did graduate to some pool riding but that was limited and I would never claim to have conquered pools – just a taste. Enough to appreciate what people can do on short boards today.

Then as now, skateboarding was a literal and figurative form of freedom, evoking similar feelings in me as motorbikes do. It seems I’m not the only one. Surfers share the same vibe. Back then our boards also served as basic transportation just like a bike. I had a thirst for this kind of freedom as a kid and some things about our characters never change…

This time around Longboards caught my attention. Although Longboards are longer than the boards I grew up on, they’re the same shape, run on similar wheels and they serve a very similar function; to eat up distance, fly down hills and get somewhere.

Longboards do these things much better than the boards we had ever could. They don’t just eat up flat land and carve down hills, they tear up straight-aways and shred hills.

Different length boards, trucks, wheels, and deck flexes all effect the specific handling of a Longboard just as they do their shorty cousins. One other variable – wheel size – also plays a critical role in handling. The bigger the wheel, the smoother and faster the ride. Just as with car or truck tires, the big wheels eat up bumps in the form of pebbles, rocks, curb lips, sidewalk lips and other “surface irregularities” that can literally send you flying off a regular board.

One thing that all skateboarding has in common is the silly grin it places on your face. A few months ago I went looking for today’s best Longboards and I believe I found them. They’re called Loaded boards. Loaded boards makes a complete line of Longboards that are considered the BMW’s of the Longboard crowd. As in Premium, High-Tech, and Sporty like a BMW.

Loaded has roots in Snowboarding and a focus on technology, materials, and complementary components (deck, trucks, wheels, bearings) all integrated to work together. They also bring an irresistible intangible. Adam Colton and Adam Stokowski. Although I don’t believe Adam S. works for Loaded, he’s as much a part of their early story as Adam Colton has gone on to be. Adam Colton now works at Loaded and seems to be their public persona.

Both Adam’s (referred to as Adam Squared) are largely responsible for creating many of the most exciting moves for Longboards today often categorized as “Dancers.”

The Adam’s spirit and passion are what grabs you – not just the magical moves. The Adam’s took a video camera and their passion and took center stage on Youtube. The rest is Longboarding history. Their videos manage

they are authentic, a label I apply sparingly

to be playful, endearing, spiritual, uplifting, and intelligent all at the same time. If you tried to bottle this it wouldn’t work – they are authentic, a label I apply sparingly. Their videos would make the average skateboarder get up and on their Longboards for a ride across America. Something Adam Colton actually did a couple of years ago with a group of friends. Adam plans a similar ride this summer across Europe with still other friends.

So back to flat lands and carving hills. We don’t have hills in South Florida but we have lots of smooth and flat, punctuated by bridges that offer some hill excitement. With my middle son Charlie now totally in to skateboarding my plan has been to get a ride when he arrived for summer so we could skate together.

Charlie actually got a new shorty board from his mum for his birthday and after I got my Loaded Vanguard Charlie couldn’t resist getting a Loaded board of his own: a Pintail. I had hoped I would ride with Max this summer as well but he wanted to stay in California this year with his friends so we’ll have to ride together another time. I’ll save it on my calendar for you Max and as long as I’m able, we’ll got out for a ride. I must thank Max also for his part in our longboarding – he was the first of us to get a Longboard and really focus my attention on them. When I was with Max earlier this year on his 16th birthday in The SF Bay Area it was his Sector 9 longboard that I hopped on for a spin around the block – enough to realize that I could still ride if I wanted to. These experiences are gifts and I thank Max for this one.

note: We didn’t get Charlie his Pintail until a couple of days after I purchased my Loaded Vanguard so this account doesn’t have his reactions since I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago and am just now posting.

Back at the store in Ft. Lauderdale where I got my Vanguard…

Charlie and I couldn’t wait to ride the Vanguard — so we didn’t. As soon as we were out the door of the store Charlie was off. Grinning ensued. I hopped on. It was good. It felt solid and comfortable – I could still do this. This board breeds confidence. I’m getting to the part where I tell you just how much confidence it breeds. When we got home we went out to ride but it immediately started to rain. We went back inside dejected. We stood at the window together, me looking just as much the disappointed 11 year old as Charlie. And we waited. The skies cleared and the roads were ‘dry enough’ to go out.

You might think that this story ends up in a cast but you’ll have to read on to find out.

We took off down the road and I had no problems carving my mini-hill that approaches the main waterway here. In fact I was really pleased with the amazing combination of stability and maneuverability that the Vanguard offered. Soon we were speeding along the wide flat sidewalk that runs along the Intracoastal waterway separating West Palm Beach from Palm Beach.

My balance was off here and there but it was also ON at times and it felt fantastic. By 3/4 of a mile I was kicking with big strides and flexing on the board nicely. Hello Julian – nice to see you again. I’d like to take all of the credit for this but I know the board deserves a great majority of it. It’s just that easy to ride and with the huge wheels all the typical rough spots were ironed out.

My first challenge came at the Palm Beach Bridge. I had no plans originally to go down the hill of the Royal Park bridge in to Palm Beach on my first ride but the board told me it was OK to do it. Honest, she told me it was OK. So I went. I couldn’t carve much to slow my pace on the narrow walk way of the bridge and it was still a little wet so I didn’t feel I could be too aggressive with the side-to-side carving without losing my new found footing. Half way down I knew it was OK. I hit a speed peak and the board was solid – all in control. I had conquered my first hill on my first ride out.

Charlie caught up to me on his roller blades and found me grinning from ear to ear. We went back up to the top where I only briefly considered the additional long sweeping curve at the bottom of the bridge’s west side, and the sharp turn that the west side also offered. With all my confidence I wasn’t worried. I started down and started carving.

It was going nicely but the speed was greater. Half way down I began to fully appreciate that the sweeping turn would actually find me accelerating rather than slowing down as I had on the Palm Beach side. I got a bit tense but I committed to the hill, knowing that I was doomed if I didn’t. I hit the curve, flying now, knowing full well that I was ditching if someone popped up in my way in mid corner. I got the dreaded speed wobbles – once, and leaned back and found rock solid again – close to a high speed wipe out. I bore down. I hit another apex in the curve and again had the wobbles. On my old boards I would have already been toast. I brought the board back a second time (thanks Adam). At this point I was going pretty fast. I was through the curve and if I had either a straight-away or a slight curve at the bottom of the bridge I would have been home free. But I didn’t. I had a sharp turn. The Vanguard was up to it but I knew I wasn’t.

I sized up my options as the sharp turn raced towards me and kicked the board into the flower bed as I launched myself towards the relative safety of the grass. Grass is our friend. I ate some weeds, along with a pretty side of flowers and got some wet muddy clothes but no scratches or bruises. It was a good fall. I fell with style and control. I didn’t even roll, just a knee skid with a muted face plant to ease my rate of speed. I got up, and smiled again. I spotted my trusty Vanguard about three yards into the three foot high Flower garden and wiped her off. She had some of the same pretty purple flowers on the top of her deck that my arms did. Charlie had called her “Mother” earlier in response to me question of a name. I liked it but didn’t commit. Looking at her now I knew she was mother nature. Mutha. I hopped on and went home a happy man.

My good friend Susan L. always told me that you’re only as old as you act. At 38 I’m not planning on laying down for middle age with a remote control in my hand.

Here’s Adam riding a Loaded Vanguard with the wind rushing over his face. Thanks Max. Thanks Charlie. Thanks Adam and Adam. I’m loaded.

Due to my tardy posting of this story this post isn’t in proper reverse chronological order. You can watch a video of Charlie and I on our Loaded boards on the 4th of July here. How does Charlie like his pintail? The smile on his face on our video of him finishing his bridge run that’s in this video should answer that question for you.

[tags]Longboarding, long boarding, skateboarding, Adam Colton, Adam Stokowski, Adam Squared, Loadedboards, Loaded Vanguard Review, Loaded Pintail[/tags]

Sometimes you need a little – sometimes you need a lot.

Back in January 2001 I was in Phoenix Arizona and I needed a lot. I met an angel there and we were reborn, rising up together through the ashes.  I believe that Shannon and I knew each other from another time, that we have come together again in this time, and will find each other again in the future.

To celebrate our re-connection I took Shannon to get a Tattoo of an infinity on her birthday of that same year. I got the same one – mine rides along on my strong arm – my left. Hers sits on her back. The infinity is our symbol, a representation of our knowing each other through time, of our connection, of life that does not end.

Since then we have often discussed getting a Phoenix tattoo and we have always made it a point to look for Phoenix symbols that we liked for the purpose. We’ve found many visual representations of the Phoenix that we’ve enjoyed but none that ever seemed quite right.

Friday night, May 18, 2007 we were driving over to South Beach in Miami when Shannon said…

“We should go get our Phoenix Tattoos.”

She happened to have her laptop in the car (god I love her) and she was connected to the Internet so she started looking up images of the Phoenix. The first page she brought up under a keyword search of “Phoenix Tattoo” found this one that we hadn’t seen before:

We both immediately knew it was the one we had been searching for.

Where to go for the ink?

Miami Beach has no shortage of overpriced Tattoo parlors and good artists to go along with those prices. We decided we’d try Miami Ink just for fun, and as you might expect, they were very busy (with T.V. fame and all). None of the artists we’ve gotten to know from the T.V. show were present either. Most importantly the guy at the counter just had a really bad vibe. In other parlance, he was rude. It seemed obvious that to get a Tattoo here was all about being part of a T.V. show and had little to do with the experience we were enjoying. We had passed a place on the way to Miami Ink called The Mosh Pit that does tattoos. We liked the name and headed back there.

We were walking along and just one store away from The Mosh Pit when Salvation appeared – Salvation Tattoo Lounge that is. It seemed appropriate.

Needless to say we got our Phoenix Tattoos there. Sharky, a Tattoo artist for over 20 years performed the work. He’s from the Village originally and has been down in South Florida for a few years. He seemed competent and we liked him so it was off to the races.

I went first, putting the Phoenix on my right arm. Shannon followed with her vision of weaving the tail of the Phoenix into her existing infinity.

There you have it. It was a magical evening where we shared a great time on South Beach, a wonderful dinner at Perricone’s (run there don’t walk) and before that a fantastic time looking at Triumphs and Ducati motorbikes, which we’re hoping is in our near future (Ducati S2R800 specifically).